Month: July 2014

My Kids Are A Huge Disappointment

I promised myself that there was nothing my kids could ever do that would cause me to be disappointed in them.

I was wrong.

Jurassic-ParkTonight, my boys were watching Jurassic Park in the living room while I worked in the dining room. I was eavesdropping on Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece when my kids’ voices got in the way:

Connor: “That’s Nicolas Cage. The guy starting the tour.”

Cam: “Are you sure?”

Connor: “Yep.”

At 13 and 11, my boys have a pretty solid understanding of age-appropriate movies, from actors to special FX to story writing, so I was a little surprised to hear them claim Nicolas Cage was in Jurassic Park – a movie that they have seen 3 or 4 times.

Me: “Guys, Nic Cage isn’t in Jurassic Park.”

Connor: “Yeah, he is. Come see.”

They backed up the video to the previous scene and played it for me.  Sam Neil and Laura Dern got in their vehicles. Bob Peck warned of an incoming storm. The cars set off on the tour.

Connor: “See…Nicolas Cage.”

Me: “Where?”

Connor, referencing the actor frozen on screen: “Right there.”

. . .
nicolas-cage-raising-arizonaMe: “Um…Connor…Nicolas Cage is a white guy…”

Blank looks.

Me: “…with weird hair…”

Blank looks.

Me: “…freaks out a lot.”

Connor: “Right. I meant Samuel L. Jackson. Nicolas Cage was in National Treasure.”

Me: “Much better.”

Kids…they’ve seen one actor, they’ve seen them all. Just sad.

How to Screw Up Your Kids #57

I’ve pretty much guaranteed that my boys will need serious therapy. This is just one of the reasons:

Sometimes, when parents are at their wits’ ends, we make up stupid stuff and tell it to our kids. For instance –

Me: Run to that tree and back and I’ll time you!

Kid: OK!

Kid runs to the tree and back – approximately 1 mile.

Kid (not noticing that I am not even wearing a watch): How long was that?

Me (with no remorse): 2 minutes! Try it again!

Kid: OK!

This little ditty got me through many difficult days. It helped me spend more time with my kids, and less time researching the maximum age at which you can return your child to the hospital under Safe Haven laws.

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What does FATHER mean? [Meme]

-4

Dad Brought the Fertilizer!

Mom gets all the credit for bringing my daughters into this world. Mom went through that whole long drawn-out pregnancy thing. Mom went through all the pain and the drama of childbirth and everyone exalts her for this. Mom, from the beginning, gets to tell these little ones, “You were in mommy’s tummy. That’s where you came from. Isn’t that special.” While dad…well, dad was just – there. Dad was an innocent bystander watching while an apparent alien overtook mom’s body and emotions. Dad drove the car to the hospital when it was time and made sure the camera and the phone were charged. Dad got a bucket of ice like he saw on some TV show because he thought mom would need her lips iced or something. Continue reading

Three Kickstarter Products the DadDudes Want…NOW!!!

There are new, amazing products that pop up on Kickstarter every day. The only problem is, most of these products are looking for money so they can begin production, which means that they won’t be available until some time in 2021. Some of the products are worth waiting for but – in the words of Veruca Salt – “I want it NOW!!!”

There are three that I am currently lusting after:

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What a parent of small kids does in one day (in photos)

One Day of Parenting…

Hey parents of small children, ever feel like you’ve worked hard all day, you’re totally exhausted, but you haven’t accomplished anything? Yeah, what you’re feeling is called parenthood. My brilliant wife Heather O’Quinn took it upon herself to candidly photojournal what she actually did in one day this week.  So pat yourself on the back and STOP beating yourself up. Parents, this is what you accomplish in One Day!

One day of diapers…

One day of boo boo kissing…

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Zen and the Art of Toilet Papering

As I go about my daily life, I am often troubled by a glaring shortcoming in the personalities of today’s young people – the lack of a solid work ethic. Nowhere, I believe, has this ever been more apparent than in my front yard last week.

I am the father of two middle school aged boys, so I wasn’t terribly surprised when my youngest walked into the house on a beautiful Sunday morning and declared, “Dad, we’ve been TP’d!”

I calmly took another sip of my coffee, closed my laptop, and flashed him a smile. He looked at me, confused. See, what he didn’t yet know and was about to learn was that, in my day (I’m nearly forty. Am I allowed to say “In my day!”?), your house being toilet-papered was a badge of honor, a right of passage, a sign that you were one of the guys.

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I don’t get soccer

I don’t get soccer. Am I not a dude or just American?!

I just don’t understand. There I said it. I pride myself on being a sports guy. I can name all NFL teams, love to watch college football, am a NBA and MLB guy (during the playoffs) but for the life of me I can’t get into “the other football”.

Now that the U.S. is eliminated from World Cup I feel like I can come clean. Let my emotions flow freely. Rip my kit off and hand it to another dude. Too soon? Not manly? Okay.

See the fact that I say “kit” and not jersey means I know a little more about soccer football than I did last week!

I was even in South Korea during the World Cup a few years ago. Sure it was awesome. The crowd was electric, the celebrations were epic and I even watched a live game. But alas, I finally had to own the fact that I just don’t understand the rules.

Before I commit to playing a sport or even liking one I need to know all the rules. My wife said, “It’s a simple game. You kick a ball at the other goal and the one with the most points, wins.” No. It’s not that simple. There are red cards, yellow cards, penalty kicks. All kinds of junk I’ve never taken the time to understand.

WCUP WORLD CUP SOCCER ITALY FRANCE FINALProbably in the same way that some people think baseball is boring, I feel like there is just not enough action.

Don’t get me wrong, any athlete that can run for 90+ minutes straight gets a tip of the hat from me, but I think I need more scoring. I like it when the ball gets close to the goal. (Did I just say that sentence?) And the last minutes of regulation SEEM to be exciting, but I still can’t figure it out.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just solved my own riddle. I don’t know the rules. So, if you’re like me, and need a little, er, a lot of help in that department, HERE YOU GO.

SL-2096

If you do better with just a cheat sheet check THIS out or THIS for an easy video.

Well, I promise to brush up, learn the rules and even kick a ball once or twice in the next four years. See you in 2018.

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