Author: Matthew (page 2 of 2)

Girls and Gun Noises

The success or failure of a relationship boils down to this one simple thing.

Things My Wife Says #23

The key to a successful marriage is finding someone who really understands you…

Me: “I’ve been  having trouble with an After Effects plugin. I contacted the company and we went back and forth and they finally sent me the beta of the next version…which doesn’t come out for three months. I’m a beta tester!”

Wife: “And you’ve never been sexier. Tell me more about beta testing.”

I get it. I find her most attractive when she’s geeking-out on cheesy romantic comedies and paint swatches.

Texts with my boys… #24

Knock Knock jokes. Still killin’ it, even after all these years.

Yoo Whoo...

My Kids Are A Huge Disappointment

I promised myself that there was nothing my kids could ever do that would cause me to be disappointed in them.

I was wrong.

Jurassic-ParkTonight, my boys were watching Jurassic Park in the living room while I worked in the dining room. I was eavesdropping on Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece when my kids’ voices got in the way:

Connor: “That’s Nicolas Cage. The guy starting the tour.”

Cam: “Are you sure?”

Connor: “Yep.”

At 13 and 11, my boys have a pretty solid understanding of age-appropriate movies, from actors to special FX to story writing, so I was a little surprised to hear them claim Nicolas Cage was in Jurassic Park – a movie that they have seen 3 or 4 times.

Me: “Guys, Nic Cage isn’t in Jurassic Park.”

Connor: “Yeah, he is. Come see.”

They backed up the video to the previous scene and played it for me.  Sam Neil and Laura Dern got in their vehicles. Bob Peck warned of an incoming storm. The cars set off on the tour.

Connor: “See…Nicolas Cage.”

Me: “Where?”

Connor, referencing the actor frozen on screen: “Right there.”

. . .
nicolas-cage-raising-arizonaMe: “Um…Connor…Nicolas Cage is a white guy…”

Blank looks.

Me: “…with weird hair…”

Blank looks.

Me: “…freaks out a lot.”

Connor: “Right. I meant Samuel L. Jackson. Nicolas Cage was in National Treasure.”

Me: “Much better.”

Kids…they’ve seen one actor, they’ve seen them all. Just sad.

How to Screw Up Your Kids #57

I’ve pretty much guaranteed that my boys will need serious therapy. This is just one of the reasons:

Sometimes, when parents are at their wits’ ends, we make up stupid stuff and tell it to our kids. For instance –

Me: Run to that tree and back and I’ll time you!

Kid: OK!

Kid runs to the tree and back – approximately 1 mile.

Kid (not noticing that I am not even wearing a watch): How long was that?

Me (with no remorse): 2 minutes! Try it again!

Kid: OK!

This little ditty got me through many difficult days. It helped me spend more time with my kids, and less time researching the maximum age at which you can return your child to the hospital under Safe Haven laws.

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What does FATHER mean? [Meme]

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Three Kickstarter Products the DadDudes Want…NOW!!!

There are new, amazing products that pop up on Kickstarter every day. The only problem is, most of these products are looking for money so they can begin production, which means that they won’t be available until some time in 2021. Some of the products are worth waiting for but – in the words of Veruca Salt – “I want it NOW!!!”

There are three that I am currently lusting after:

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Zen and the Art of Toilet Papering

As I go about my daily life, I am often troubled by a glaring shortcoming in the personalities of today’s young people – the lack of a solid work ethic. Nowhere, I believe, has this ever been more apparent than in my front yard last week.

I am the father of two middle school aged boys, so I wasn’t terribly surprised when my youngest walked into the house on a beautiful Sunday morning and declared, “Dad, we’ve been TP’d!”

I calmly took another sip of my coffee, closed my laptop, and flashed him a smile. He looked at me, confused. See, what he didn’t yet know and was about to learn was that, in my day (I’m nearly forty. Am I allowed to say “In my day!”?), your house being toilet-papered was a badge of honor, a right of passage, a sign that you were one of the guys.

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